The University of Delhi has finally started releasing its cut-offs and they’re at a whopping high yet again. Students scoring 99% have gone into depression, the ones with 90% are being disowned by parents and the 80 percenters are filling up those Dominos Delivery Boy forms. WHILE the remaining are either gloating over their Reservation Certificates or are crying into 1000 rupee notes as they head off to Noida. (99.75 CUT-OFF? NO WONDER THE WORLD IS AT SHARDA)
But defying all the odds, after all, the lists are out, your college will be graced by the new faces of Freshers. Yes, those young, naïve, fresh-off-of-school wannabes that remind you of how you were in your early days. (And for all the Freshers who’re reading this, college is fun. Trust me. *laughs maniacally*)
Be it North Campus, South Campus or the dreaded Off-Campus colleges, every single one has its own breed of students. But some of these are found EVERYWHERE. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THEM.
1. The Non-Delhi Board
Although it is called the University of Delhi, keyword: DELHI, there are hardly any Delhites in DU. They’re like old people. They’re being replaced by other people from their own space. (DARK HUMOR. YEAH. HAHA.)
And replacing them is every Pandey, Shukla, Pathak, Chaubey and Mishra. There will always be at least one Non-Delhite who always has stories about things he did back home, how his mother sent eatables back with him which he NEVER SHARES. He always cribs about not getting tickets to go back home and how much he misses his gaon ki khushboo. But he turns out to be the quirkiest member of his group.
2. The Flirt
“Hey, that one Fresher is being awfully nice to me. He helps me, compliments me, buries bodies for me. He’s so dreamy,” said no girl ever. The Flirt has proposed to another Fresher, a senior and even tried his luck on a Super Senior. But it never works out. Maybe because 1. Girls aren’t ready for a relationship with a fresher yet, 2. His approach is a bit too direct 3. HE’S A CREEP WHO FOLLOWS YOU TO THE METRO STATION AND SMELLS YOUR PLATE OF CHILLI POTATO ONCE YOU FINISH.
3. The Rich Guy
Somehow, someway they avoid Amity, Jaypee, or any other “Not-For-Profit-Private-University” (NOT FOR PROFIT? WHY THE 1 LAKH FEE THEN? DO YOU FEED THE HUNGRY? DO YOU CARE FOR THE HOMELESS? NO?) and they get into a PGDAV or a Zakir Hussain. There are people in these colleges who have to eat Patanjali Noodlles for breakfast and these gazillionaires have the balls to drive into college in an Audi? They’re completely unaware of the struggles of students. That one rich guy is playing the College Game on EASY. MAN UP, SON. MONEY DOESN’T GET YOU A DEGREE. (Maybe at Sharda. YEAH. SCREW SHARDA.)
4. The Bhaiya/ Didi
No, they’re not dropouts, no they didn’t switch college, no they didn’t just reverse the effects of Olay. They just look older than they actually are. Some Freshers don’t look all that fresh. They look like your Barodra wali chachi. So you can’t help but call them Didi or Bhaiya when you first meet them. (EVEN WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR FINAL YEAR. THEY’RE THAT OLD) Kids, respect those fossils.
5. The Creepy One
Sometimes The Flirt is much more welcome than this one right here. This Fresher, be it a girl or a guy, isn’t welcome by anyone. They lay eyes on you on day 1 and they have your name, number, address, email, chachu’s phone number, the name of your dead cat and your clothes to sniff. HOW? Magic.
Much like The Flirt, they do eventually propose people but it’s not the conventional getting down on your knees, it’s more or less a text.
“heyy u r a QT pls be my gf”
THAT’S THE KIND OF GUTS THAT I APPRECIATE. (Not that I’d date them, but gut-appreciation indeed.)
6. The High Maintenance
Whether you’re a senior or a fresher yourself, you need to make so much effort to be friends with the High Maintenance. You have to listen to your teachers belittle you, you have to listen to your parents belittle you AND to top it all off this person just sits there COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING. “Why isn’t the AC working?” YOU SHOULD BE GLAD THAT DU HAS SOME SORT OF AC IN THE FIRST PLACE. “Why aren’t we going to McLeodganj for the excursion?” EXCURSION? I HAVEN’T BEEN OUTSIDE THESE WALLS IN 2 YEARS AND YOU TALK OF McLEODGANJ? NO. “Omfg guys. A new Starbucks opened! EEP!” WOMAN, PLEASE. I’VE BEEN PRAYING TO THE LORDS ABOVE FOR A BUY-ONE-GET-ONE OFFER ON PIZZA. DO NOT MAKE ME SPEND ON VENTI-COFFEE.
7. The Couple
Help me out here. I have question for you. Maybe I’ve been living life wrong, but do tell me this. How does one find true love IN ONE SEMESTER? So you have all these new kids coming in, all from different backgrounds, cultures, traditions (enough to start your own India’s Got Talent) but you mean to tell me that THERE ARE MULTIPLE COUPLES WHO ARE IN LOVE ALREADY? Maybe The Flirt and The Creepy One found each other. Maybe The Non-Delhite finally understood what it’s like to live the city-life.
8. The Repeat
This person is your bro. He was one of your senior a few years ago but somehow he’s still a fresher. You’d think after all the experience he’s got going through year one, it’d be easier to pass. NOPE. DEAD WRONG. HE’S STILL A FRESHER. AND HE LOVES IT.
He’s like the Monsoon. He comes, makes your week amazing, then goes away. Not to be seen for another year and you sit there dry and longing to be wet. (AHA. SEX JOKE.)
9. The Seniors’ Friend
As a fresher (or a senior) you see a girl hanging out with groups of popular seniors. Sure, she may just be getting ignored or she’s just there to run errands for them, BUT, she hangs out with the cool kids nonetheless. Why? To be cool among other freshers! Suddenly, she’s part of all their selfies and plans. Slowly she’s making her way into their family. Sucking their life source like a parasite. A weed growing within seniors, feeding on their ego, DEVOURING THEM AND LEADING THEM TO THEIR DEMISE! (And also getting invited to parties. Which is nice.)
10. The Topper
-WHO ARE WE?
-WHAT DO WE WANT?
-TO ENJOY COLLEGE.
-WHO MAKES US FEEL BAD ABOUT OURSELVES AND MAKES US RETHINK OUR DECISIONS IN LIFE? TOPPERS!
With 99+ cut-offs, you expect to be put in class alongside toppers. But not all toppers continue their studious behaviour in college. Because they find life beyond the book, SEX DRUGS BOOZE FUN! But some still continue to live and die in lectures and they pride themselves in making AMAZING NOTES. Make sure you’re friends with them. Because at the end of the day, YOU’LL BE SAVED ONLY BY THEM.
College is opening soon and you’re bound to meet one of these freshers in your near future or you must have had one in your own batch! And after college, you’ll be smarter and will know all the tips and tricks to handle real life. Well, almost.