Dad, it is my 10th birthday today. I used to watch my friends’ parents picking and leaving them from school this day. I watched them celebrating this special day with their kids, giving them gifts, going to shopping and restaurants with them. But for you, today was just a normal day.
A normal duty day.
You didn’t even care to spend a little time with me.
I feel unwanted.
Maa and Dadi are there with me to celebrate. They even bought me my favourite chocolate cake.
But I want you.
To be there by my side, caressing my hair, helping me cut the cake.
But you are not there.
And this is the first time I hate you for not making it upto me.
25th December, 2016
Christmas time, Santa time.
Today was the Christmas party at school. My all friends were too excited. Their Fathers will come up dressed as Santa tonight, to give them gifts, and to watch them smiling with their crooked, broken teeth.
But I don’t have any Santa with me.
When I asked Maa to be my Santa, she complained of being busy with her office stuff. She promises me to bring me gifts from Santa some other day.
But I don’t want gifts.
I want you.
You are my Santa, my happiness.
I want to be with you.
But you don’t care.
Today again, I hate you for not being here.
21st January, 2011
Today was my Annual Function. I received my 1st award for academic excellence. All parents were present to watch their kids achieve and get prizes.
But you, were still not there.
The entire audience in the hall clapped for me when the Chief Guest handed me the prize, but those hands for whom I longed , were still not there.
Today again, I hated you and still missed you.
15th March, 2011
Today is Holi, the festival of colours. I watch happy families playing with colours.
But here, I have noone.
Dadi isn’t well.
Maa is busy with her household chores preparing delicacies for the guests.
But I want her to come here to me, to hug me tight and play with colours with me.
But she doesn’t.
I remember the last Holi you played with me and we went across all those streets throwing colour balloons on people.
That was so much fun.
But today, you aren’t home.
I miss you and hate you for leaving me alone like this.
26th August, 2011
Today, on my way to school, I was groped by an unknown man on the roadside. He spoke abuses to me and touched me inappropriately.
I ran to the school like anything.
Locked myself in the washroom and cried for hours.
On way back home, I remembered how my friends said that a Dad is a Superhero for her little girl.
But my Hero, isn’t here, to protect me from such people.
I wish you were here, to teach that man the lessons of humanity.
But you aren’t here.
To save me from this world of bad eyed people.
I miss you Dad, and I hate you for not being with me.
16th November, 2011
Diwali Time. Happy Time.
A festival that everyone awaits throughout the year, to get new clothes, sweets, crackers.
But I wait, for you.
Maa bought me crackers, but I don’t know how to burn them.
I waited for you.
But you didn’t come.
Maa said you were busy.
My crackers go back to the packet like that once again.
And with those loud noises of several crackers burning outside, I can hear a faint sound of my heart breaking.
Breaking for your absence.
Dad, my life is being miserable without you.
I hate you and I miss you.
14th December, 2011
One year passes, I turn 11 today.
But again the same story.
My heart still waits for you to return.
But you don’t.
Dad, I ask Maa why you don’t like spending time at home with me, with her ,with Dadi.
But she says, its not your choice.
Happy or not, you have to be there.
For us, for the entire nation.
Its your duty.
A duty that your brave heart chose.
To be at the borders and protect the nation.
But my little hearts ponders, who will protect you?
I get my answer in this silence of our House.
Our beating hearts will protect you.
Our love will.
Our house, where we speak, we laugh ,we live, but with a void.
A void too empty to be filled by anyone.
That void is you Dad.
I want you, to be with me.
Through my childhood, just like normal kids have their parents with them.
I hate you for staying away from me, but at the same time, I miss you so much.
But Maa says I have to be strong, I am a Fauji Kid afterall.
I miss being normal Dad, but happy or not, I have to deal with this, just like you.
To make you raise your head in front of the world as a Father proud.
– An Army Man’s Daughter’s Diary.
The Snuggled Childhood