I was trying to sleep last night and it turned out to be a pointless effort to do so. It’s night, I can clearly hear the tic-tic of the wall clock in my room, chirping of crickets, barking of dogs, but my mind shuts all the other night voices. I know this should not happen tonight again, so I was pretending not to hear this voice but….
This terrible voice in my mind is getting stronger with every passing minute. It screams everytime I slow down and hear nothing but only this voice of despair.
“You suck at this. Yes, you heard me right. You cannot write good stuff that catches people’s heart. People don’t relate with you. Don’t you dare to think you’re unique in some way because you’re not. You’re not creative enough to do so. You’re hollow, weak and vulnerable. You cannot accept the way you feel. You feel good, you put it on display by plastering that million dollar smile on your face. What do you do when you’re sad? You protect yourself in that goddamned tough shell where you put everything at bay and you think you can write? By any means you think you can do better? If not, then get use to hear me everyday.”
It says all these mean things to me and smirks every freaking time when I seem to loose bit of confidence.
Once you’ve seen series of failures, it’s hard to figure out how to manage the shield of confidence which trembles in slightest despair. It’s not that you’re not trying. You try, try and try harder but you still fail. I won’t blame you, if you think that all the trophies and certificates are underneath the shadow of your failures.
This voice says again maintaining it’s evil tone, “Is there any other way to tell you that you will not succed in this? Quit it already, will you?”
What do you do at this hour of night when you’re trying to admire the simple beauty of sleep? Now, all you think of how stupid it would be if I don’t listen whatever it is trying to tell me. Without thinking twice, you jump on conclusion- you’re one worthless human surviving on this planet. Will you choose to quit it? Knowing, this is the only thing that gives you solace. This has witnessed your joys, your blues, your fears, your encouragements. What will you choose to do? The answer to that is you still choose to hope. This never dying flicker of emotion that overwhelms you now and then. This compels you to hope. This is the only four letter word that keeps you going.
Now I am hearing gentle whispering, “I am not amazed you choose to hope. I know there exists some enchanting power in those three words, you keep on telling yourself you never know. Your parents and friends are tired of hearing this phrase which doesn’t make much of sense. But it does mean something to you. Why don’t you keep this in mind and try once again?”
This evil voice snaps because it is not someone who gives up so easily, “You think, you’re some dare devil, don’t you? You think of trying again? And for what? Just to fall once again?”
This another voice in my head is the embodiment of hope and it is one hell of stubborn person. It speaks to me with all calmness because speaking to despair is a hopeless case.
“What if you tripped many times when you were learning to walk? But you walk now, occasionally run and you have that secrect desire to fly. You think you’re hopeless. Then why does Slyvia Plath’s quote echo in the back of your head?”
(I don’t think I had any rational response to that. This could be a failed attempt but I am trying. Because you never know.)
I fell asleep with the only voice of Slyvia Plath echoing in my head- “The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
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