The Constant Struggle of Being Worth

The Constant Struggle of Being Worth

The entire life I kept on struggling just to be worth or to fit in different phases of life. When I was a child I tried to fit in my sister’s life she was 8 years older than me had a co0l group of friends, I just wanted to be worth to be a part of her life. Her lifestyle used to fascinate me but for her, I was just a nagging little sister who our parents asked her to tag along everywhere she goes, it was fun for me but embarrassing for her.

In school, I tried to fit in that popular girl’s group. But as I was an introvert I couldn’t manage that too. I luckily had some friends but there was a constant struggle going inside me which tells me you don’t belong with them.

I was terrible at my studies, my parents were embarrassed because of my grades and the complaints they used to hear because of me, on the other hand, my sister was so good in academics she was studying in the best school, there too I always had this question in my mind, “Am I worth this family”. The ugly duckling in this entire lot. 

My life went on, I met a guy in college, I was madly in love with him but time and again he made me feel that I am not worth him as he is ‘good looking’, a ‘Delhiite’, ‘belong to a good family’, ‘extrovert’ on the other hand I came from a ‘small place’, ‘used to wear spectacles’, ‘fat’. So I constantly struggled to prove him that I am worth being his partner for life. 4 years of college with the struggle of studies went this struggle “am I or am I not worth him?” I struggled to be the Best Girlfriend, the right choice for him.

I was with him in the relationship which I wanted to last till my last breath and maybe he also wanted the same so life brought us together and we got married. None knows what Life has in store for us. Since the first day of my marriage till now I am constantly struggling to be worthy of him, of his love. I am happy doing all the duties which are expected of a wife because I care for him, I want to protect him. Sometimes I feel like he is my kid and whatever he does to hurt me I just have to ignore it, thinking Love is what is left in a relationship if all the selfishness and ego is taken out of it, Sometimes my feeling towards him make me overlook myself and what I see is just his happiness. So I constantly struggle with myself of being worthy of him and his smile just makes me happy.

I know that he too loves me that is the reason we are together today but I just don’t feel sometimes that I am of any worth to him or he ever fears what if I am not there someday with him.

This is my constant struggle of being worth in this world, o being worth to the people who matter to me which is going on from the time I understood who I am and maybe it will go on until the time I am here.

 

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Megha Arora
Someone who does not write much but lots of thoughts go through my mind, so just trying to give my thoughts a direction in this way.
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