Our day starts with frowning at U(s) and Lyf(s) on Facebook as we scroll through the newsfeed. We are in constant awe and admiration of how people manage to save precious time by omitting letters that would take less than a second to type and what they do with their free time is unknown and the Nazis are yet to do some research on that. The social media is filled with creeps with “lyf rulezzzzzz.” Oh, for Merlin’s sake! Show some mercy on that Z will you? You have already placed it in a really awkward situation as it has no idea what it’s doing in place of an “S” and then you end up murdering that keyboard of yours by mercilessly pressing that “Z.”
We are the ferocious breed and people prefer to keep a safe distance from us. You never know when we’ll jump and bite those fingers that ruthlessly murder grammar. We cringe at the very thought of “you’re” being written as “your” or when a person completely forgets the efforts he made as a child just to get good grades in an English grammar paper as PART B had the maximum number of marks. We must give credit to all those English teachers who were patient enough to correct our papers rather than tearing them up in anger because of how carelessly we used our articles and punctuations. Well, if I was an English professor, I would have murdered about half of my class for even indulging in the forbidden act of spoiling grammar. I know it’s too much of an exaggeration but, trust me, you haven’t met us. I might be a well-tamed grammar Nazi but there are dirty wolves out there who wouldn’t even think twice before slitting your throat for slaying the grammar of a sentence. There are different types of grammar Nazis:
- The Stoned Ones: This group consists of those who silently sit in a corner and correct everyone’s sentences and grammatical errors in their heads, scowl silently and slowly stop interacting with those whose standards are not up to their mark.
- The Drunken Ones: This group is the loud and aggressive type. They would shamelessly yell at you for spoiling the very sanctity of the language – be it English, Hindi or any other language in this world at which they are fluent. They never have second thoughts and would make a ruckus for everything, without any consciousness of their own behavior, just like drunks.
- The Margaritas: Given the name, this group should be included in the drunken category but they are too sweet to be called aggressive. These people, like margaritas, are sweet and pleasant, yet have a strong impact if consumed excessively. These people are more approachable; they would willingly correct your grammar and very patiently would explain the mistakes. But be warned: if the dosage is too much they might just get drunk.
- The Sméagols: These are the most dangerous ones, they are not trustworthy and you never know when they will start to despise you. No matter who you are if you don’t know your grammar basics, Sméagols won’t like you. For a Sméagol, grammar is more precious than anything else and he would go to any extent to make sure he is satisfied with the way you have written.
The rest are just McGonagall, who would insult you with sassiness and sarcasm to make sure you never make that mistake again. This is the group I belong to, the mixture of stoners, drunkards, margaritas and Sméagols. A potpourri of all categories stuffed in a nutshell.
We are not a rare species, we just like to keep low profile. To the outer world, it may seem that we live a thug life and are among the cool kids but that does not convey quite the whole picture. We do live a thug life and we make up the cool kids but we also have a dark side, a side everyone is unaware of, a side we grammar Nazis struggle to conceal and that is known as the Katniss Everdeen – namely, the self-loathing, self-pitying person torn and confused between the love for grammar and the love of being a bitch. Yes, we do have a constant Hunger Games within ourselves, and the Cornucopia within us restricts our chances of becoming victors.
Imagine having a bee or a mosquito buzzing near your ear continuously and you are in a paralyzed state and you are unable even shake your head to shoo it off. That is exactly the life we grammar Nazis live in. There are many instances in our day-to-day life when we cannot correct a person’s grammar due to the one or more of the following reasons:
- The person is a teacher.
- The person is emotionally unstable to even handle an “um… that sentence is…”
- The person is a grammar Nazi himself
- The person is an unapproachable turd and it is futile to even try and strike up a conversation with him.
These people truly make our lives a living hell – like, you know, those times when you have had a stroke and all you can do is to endure the pain and just die or simply kill yourselves or bang your head on the table or cry your ass off. It hurts us when someone so easily tampers with the essentials that make up a language, we have a silent mini heart attack and we die for a few seconds and wish we never existed to see this day. We silently curse the person’s very existence on this planet. ‘Constant Vigilance!’ is our motto and we are probably the most gifted yet cursed species of them all.
If we received a dollar every time we cringed at a person’s grammatical error, trust me, Bill Gates would, relative to us, still be rated as a poor man and I would not be struggling to try and please a crowd by writing articles such as this. 😛