Anxiety and talking to my boyfriend

Anxiety and talking to my boyfriend

We are sitting in different cities in our little beds. The sky is lush black and the only light in my room is the flashing light of my phone screen as we text.
I ask him to tell me anything. I just want to talk to someone. He tells me about how we could go on a trip together and I wonder if anxiety will leave me alone for  a trip with my boyfriend. Anxiety will probably keep telling me that he won’t like the face that he wakes up to in the hotel room bedroom. That sex for the first time will be clumsy and I’ll leave him unsatisfied. Anxiety throbs inside me feelings of insecurity. It tells me to not call him too much or ask for help too much or text him too much because my too much will push him away to the edge where he’ll fall off from my field of vision and I will be left alone with feeling of a vacant bed and vacant neck and an empty mouth.
He asks me beach or mountains?
Mountains I say because I don’t want my body to show for him to realise that there are yet options that he must explore. Logic says that he should love me for me but anxiety talks bullshit into me. That night I choose mountains. I choose blankets in the bed and dim light so he doesn’t watch my body and all the traces of my past and my parents shameful inheritance on it.  I feel guilty for feeling shame. I feel guilty for not being good enough for him. Anxiety tells me to leave him before he leaves me because regret and remorse cannot be handled together in great proportion.  Anxiety kills my body a bit everyday.

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Isha Choudhary

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